On Becoming Who You Want To Be
(a letter to my friend Steven, specifically, and to everyone else in general, changing details as is appropriate)

Get off your sorry ass and think about the biz of your career? This should not be a problem for someone as focused and disciplined as yourself. The question is, what do you want to do?

It is enough to think about the way you want to live and work without worrying about paying the bills. The universe is a generous place. If you want to make half your yearly income (or all of it) from performance, simply make up your mind, wish it, then let the universe and the beings that inhabit it go to work. Whether you believe in this sort of thing or not, it works.
Synchronicity. Make your wishes, then wait for the "coincidences."

The first hard part is framing the wish.

The second hard part is letting go the illusion of control.

The final hard part is waiting for materialization. In the meantime, just do the work and hold your goals and dreams in mind.

Don't envy the folks on p'net. They're a drag. They remind me of college kids drinking beer and lighting farts. We, you and I and Rosman, and a bunch of others who rarely post, have managed to create stability, commit to raising young humans, and otherwise make a somewhat larger contribution than cracking jokes and throwing shit around.

I watch Michael and admire him for thinking always about what will look funny, be funny, play well. I see the intense energy you give to your craft, and the technical skill you've attained. I know plenty of people who are constantly working to add one more ball or another illusion. You people live and breathe this stuff. I am a dabbler.

I specialize at looking good in costume. For corporate meet and greet, that's enough. I have sufficient skills to get hired at any RenFest in the country, except for busking, which is the only way to get paid well at many of the Faires. So I do Maryland and Pennsylvania, where they pay adequately, no busking. It's small, but it's enough.

My chosen field, the one I work at, the one I turn down paying gigs to devote time to, is theater writing. I say my chosen field, but it chose me, not the reverse. And since my health has conspired to keep me home, I take that as a signal that I need to spend less time running and more time composing. There are things that I have had to make extra effort for, make choices about, say no to.

It's uncomfortable, but growth often is. And when I realized that my dreams were not of cruise ships, Ceasar's Palace or a Command Performance, I had to reasses where I was putting my energy. My dreams are of a Pulitzer, a speech at the Tony Awards, pulling up in a limo to attend the opening of my show on Broadway.

So I dream, visualize, do the work and wait for to be rewarded for my dilligence and honest committment to goals. I am ambitious and energetic; so are you. Have faith, ask for what you want, and when it comes to you, say yes.
At this point, maybe you're convinced I'm a complete flake. You might be right. But why pretend to be cool when I'm having so much fun being in touch with my inner dork?

Sounds like you're on the cusp of making changes or resigning yourself to misery. You know which one I hope you choose.